Hey there, wonderful people!
In today’s blog post, I’m going to discuss a topic I’ve often been asked about. If you’re used to asking others for approval and help, is there a way to become self-sufficient and meet all of your needs by yourself?
Today, I’m going to show you exactly how to meet your own emotional needs. Let’s dive in.
First, let’s go back to the early years. A child has many needs and it’s impossible for a parent to fulfill all of them. Some of us, for example, didn’t get enough attention when we were young.
Others didn’t get enough physical expressions of love from their parents. What that results in is the ongoing need for somebody else to provide it for us, leaving a hole in our being.
First love, first heartbreak, first disappointment. This is how the circle goes for a lot of people in their teens. Let’s go back to the previous example and add more to it.
Let’s say your mother was not very responsive, so you felt like you always had to fight for her attention. So, what happens in your teenage years? You attract people who make you feel like you have to prove your worth to them all the time.
It’s really simple:
We accept the love we think we deserve. — Stephen Chbosky Click To Tweet
If you keep repeating the same relationships, only with different people, that means that you have some inner work to do. It’s probably somehow connected to your childhood and yes, you can definitely do something about it. If you need any help with it, I’m here for you.
The wounds people receive from their first love experiences often have an impact on them for life. Unless they work on them and find healthy ways to fulfill their unmet needs. So, how can you break the cycle of needing other people to feel a certain way?
1. Acknowledge your needs
A lot of people can’t deal with certain aspects of themselves because they don’t know what they are. Once you become conscious of something, it can’t hold a shadow over you anymore. But how does this work in practice?
By connecting with others. If you keep yourself at an emotional distance from everyone else, you won’t be able to experience much in life. The good side of heartbreaks is that we learn a lot from them.
Say that you’ve always dated the “bad boy” type. What does this say about you? Well, you’re probably attracted to emotional unavailability. You find it thrilling to want somebody who can’t really be yours. You keep on flaring up the same wounds that you got as a child.
But what is the real need in this example? To find it, you shouldn’t look at what you didn’t get from your parents, but what you really, really wanted to. A child with an emotionally unavailable parent has a strong need to feel heard, understood, accepted for who they are.
2. Take time to heal
Sometimes, before we can meet our own needs, we need to bring out the emotions and thoughts that have been preventing us from doing so. Don’t be afraid of them. Experience them with every single cell in your body.
Allow yourself to feel broken, confused, sad, angry or frustrated. Let it all out. And don’t push yourself to go to the next step if you don’t feel like you’re ready. Take all the time you need to heal. You deserve it.
3. Reconnect with yourself
One of the best feelings in the world is to understand that you are enough. That you don’t really need anything external to feel good about yourself. The moment you stop depending on other people to fulfill your needs, you feel free. That kind of freedom you give to yourself and others will make your life so much more beautiful.
Let’s go back to our previous example. Your need is to feel heard, understood and accepted. It sounds like you need another person to validate you, doesn’t it? The good news is that you’re not a child anymore. You can BE that person you’ve always needed to be.
You need a compliment? Give yourself a genuine one. You want a hug? Give yourself a nice hug. It may feel weird at first but don’t listen to your mind. Once you get reconnected with yourself, you will feel like it’s the most natural thing in the world.
4. Connect with other people
The moment you really reconnect with yourself you feel whole for the first time in your life. Once you know that you can count on you for any need you have, you may ask yourself: “Why do I need other people then?”
It’s pretty normal to have the feeling that you don’t need other people. And it’s probably true. You don’t need them anymore. You simply enjoy connecting with them.
That’s the main difference between people who keep repeating their childhood traumas and those who get up and fight their fears no matter how hard that is.
When you know how to meet your needs, you can love people without being needy. Click To Tweet
You can do genuine acts of kindness without expecting anything in return. You can enjoy their company while knowing you can totally make it on your own.
I know this looks like hard work. Well, I won’t lie to you – IT IS. But it’s totally worth it.