Relationship coaching clients often come to me with this one problem: at some point, their long-term relationship became less passionate and more compassionate. Where did all that passion go? And how do you bring the break-the-bed sex back?
Usually, we take a look at their relationship’s dynamics and adjust as we go. Here’s a sneak peek into the best ways to bring back that spark into your relationship… and take your sex life to the next level.
1. Stop Comparing
One of the first things that I advise all of my coaching clients is to stop comparing themselves to others. in this case, other couples. Why do you have the need to compare your relationship to others in the first place? The reasons may vary but there’s something in common: more often than not, you feel like something’s lacking.
The grass always looks greener from the other side of the fence. When you compare your relationship, it’s almost impossible to do it objectively. Instead, you start fantasizing about how other people behave in their relationship based on your assumptions about them.
Even if you know a couple very well, you can never be sure what happens behind closed doors. They may look as the happiest couple in the whole world, but, at the end of the day, everyone has their flaws.
Comparing doesn’t really help you in any way. In fact, it can only feed your neurosis. So instead of fixating on other people’s relationships, focus on your own.
2. Get Rid of the “Shoulds”
Using the word “should” in any area of your life is almost always a recipe for disaster. There’s nothing that you should or shouldn’t do.
You are a free spirit and always have a choice. Click To Tweet
If you don’t like to do something, don’t do it. Just be aware of the consequences of your actions. Simple as that.
When you think about what your relationship “should” look like, you fall into a trap. Why? Because your relationship will never be 100% the way you want it to be. It’s not you, it’s not your partner. It’s life. Life simply gets in the way of your plans—and that’s why it’s so much better to enjoy the moment and get rid of all the “shoulds” that block your happiness together.
3. Set Time Aside
Having shifted your perspective, now it’s time to focus on your relationship. If you want to have great sex, it’s essential to set aside the time and energy for it. Having a busy schedule, running errands all the time, taking care of the kids… You all know the excuses. But if you want to spice up your sex life, you need to give yourself the physical time to make it happen.
Sex is much, much more than a physical act. It is the preparation, the anticipation, the teasing, the foreplay. And for that, you need two. If you want to have great sex, have an honest conversation with your partner. Ask them how many times a week they feel comfortable having sex with you and share your preferences. Don’t argue, don’t try to manipulate them, just listen.
After discussing it, you will have a better idea of what your sex life will look like if you both put some effort into it. You don’t have to schedule the exact time you’re going to have sex as it will kill the romance. What you can do, instead, is hint your sexual desire to your partner in some way, so that they know you want to spend some quality time in bed together.
4. Give Your Partner Some Space
Differences are a normal and healthy thing in long-term relationships. So it’s really important for the both of you to understand and acknowledge them. One of you may like to spend more time alone, while the other may want to do a lot of things together. Having great sex life is all about finding that “sweet spot” between desire and security.
Desire happens when there’s space. Security comes from trust and intimacy. To spice up your sex life, you need to spend some time apart. Give to yourself—and to your partner—the gift of missing each other.
Spending too much time together is a sure-fire way to kill the romance and thrill of a relationship. So give yourselves some space. That way, you will see each other in a new light and feel more passionate about spending some time in the bedroom.
5. Surprise, Surprise, Surprise
This is a very important one. If you want to have great sex, you need to rekindle the fire between the two of you. Remember the early days of your relationship? It’s never going to be the same because you have a deeper connection now and raw passion comes from romantic curiosity and not knowing that much about each other. But you can take it to the next level.
Surprise your partner with lingerie, sex toys, new positions, massages… Be spontaneous. Challenge them. Talk dirty to them in public. Sext them while at work. Ask them what they fantasize about. Watch adult movies together. Read erotic stories out loud. Explore your sexuality and kinks together. Not only between the sheets but also in your relationship as a whole: travel together, do new and exciting things together.
The more adventures you have together, the stronger your bond will become. Click To Tweet
6. Trust Your Partner
The key to great sex is trusting your partner with all your heart. If you question their decisions or views, it will inevitably affect your relationship and your sex life. Trust is one of the hardest things to build and especially harder to rebuild after a traumatic event for the relationship (after one of you cheated on the other or you almost broke up, for example).
If you don’t trust your partner, how do you expect to have great sex? Sexual climax is directly linked to your ability to let go.
So if you’re holding a grudge, ask yourself whether it’s worth it, and let it go. Or go 50 shades of grey on each other, as long as the both of you consent on it. Just make sure to work out those negative feelings.
I know, trust isn’t something that is built overnight, but it’s never too late to begin.